Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Texas Attorney Hunting Guide

I work with a number of people who enjoy hunting and are scrupulous about the regulations and the licensing process. Now that the Fifth Column's Fourth Estate's inflation of the non-story about the Vice President's hunting accident is over, I thought that I'd try to keep it alive just a little longer.

I received this in my email. The Texas Attorney Hunting Guide:


1. Any person with a valid Texas hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove roadkill to roadside, then proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or other aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free Liquor!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to use controlled substances, single malt scotch, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses, cardiac rehab centers, ambulances, hospitals or bars across from the courthouse.

8. If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bounty on the pelt.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, vermin and contagious diseases.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys.

Attorney Bag Limits:
Silverbacked Texas Millionaire = 1 (in possession)
Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder = 5
Hairless Civil Libertarian = 7
Skinny-Assed Ambulance Chaser = 12
Horse or Cattle Rustler Defender = 20
Silver-Tongued Murderer Defender = 50
Jack-Legged Divorce Litigator = No limit
Intellectual Property or intellectual anything = (rare) protected species
Honest Attorney = Extinct
Remember, enjoy your hunting, but hunt responsibly and follow the rules.

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